The One That Got Away
by bebobnidan
Summary: Natalia reflects on the history of her relationship with Ryan. Mentions of "Dead Air", "Inside Out", "Count Me Out", and "About Face"... RaiN, mentions of Eric/Natalia, Natalia/Jesse, and Erica/Ryan


**A/N: It's really strange to me how my mind works. I was intent on finishing up "Behind These Hazel Eyes" Chapter 14 and 15 but somehow I got sidetracked. Anyway, this is a lengthy piece describing Natalia/Ryan's relationship from the very beginning in the POV of Natalia. Hope you like, and review!**

The One That Got Away

Xxx: **Season Nine, post "About Face"**

There is something continuously missing in my life. I had always assumed that Nick and I would grow old together, learning how to work with each other and avoiding the angry outbursts that had marred our relationship from the beginning. Of course, never once did those dreams even show an inkling of hope, and I remained forever fearful of the day when he snapped. That day came soon, and I was not ready for it. The restraining order shattered, my attempts to escape him failed miserably, and I was left just as washed up and angry as I'd ever been before. Still to this day I wonder how things would have worked out if I had had the strength to leave Nick the first time he laid a finger on me. I suppose that while I thought I was being strong by enduring the constant struggle, I was actually displaying weakness because I could not stand up to the monster that awaited me everyday when I got home.

Xxx: **Season 4, before "Dead Air"**

"You enjoy the party?" I asked as I walked around my living room, picking up plastic red cups that dotted the Moroccan rug. My companion shrugged jocularly.

"It was fun," came the reply.

"Playing hard to get?" I teased and he smirked.

"It was great," he corrected and sifted through the mess, his face twitching.

"What, you don't like messes?" I inquired.

"OCD," he replied and tossed the paper cups into his trash bag.

"I didn't know that about you, Ry," I spoke, surprised. Of all the mysteries this man contained, I felt like I had barely scratched the surface. _Shut up, Natalia, you're with Eric_, came my conscience, but I brushed it away. _We're not exclusive. _

"Yeah, I figured I wouldn't like to tell everyone how strange I am," he laughed and I joined in.

"How's your eye?" I asked, knowing that there wasn't much to talk about otherwise.

"It's fine," Ryan lied and winked at me. "Still got it."

I felt my stomach flutter at his seductive flirting. Yes, I was UNBEARABLY attracted to him, but I was with Eric. From being with Nick, I had learned that it didn't matter how innocent it was- flirting was just the beginning down a long road of intimacy that neither of us were prepared to engage in.

"Cute," I smirked and he chuckled. "Are you seeing anyone?" I asked, surprised by my own straightforwardness. _Damnit, Natalia, you'll scare him away. _

"I used to be," Ryan replied awkwardly.

"We all _used _to be seeing someone," I laughed. "Answer the question!"

"No," Ryan whispered and she giggled. "I'd like to be, though," he replied.

"All of us do," I responded, nodding.

"You?" Ryan asked, clearly interested. _Damnit, Nat, you know you can't do this to Eric._

"Maybe," I teased and he groaned.

"Come on, I told you!" he urged and I winked.

"Depends on how tonight goes," I joked and he laughed heartily.

"Miss Boa Vista, are you _flirting_ with me?" he asked with a chuckle.

"You haven't even bought me dinner yet," I gasped sarcastically.

The rest of the night was spent in comfortable silence. Ryan was as interesting as anyone I'd ever met, but somehow we just could not find the words. He knew how awkward the situation was for me- I was pretty sure that he knew about my semi-relationship with Eric. He'd walked in on us, and I could see the hurt evident on his face. Had I been leading him along? Maybe, but that wasn't my place to speculate. When he left, he planted a gentle kiss on my cheek, and I blushed immediately bright red. I felt like a schoolgirl again, but something wasn't right. I would not cheat on Eric, much as I liked Ryan. I bade him goodnight, watching him stride down to his car with a blatant spring in his step.

Xxx: **Season 4, post "Dead Air"**

"I kind of just want to be friends," I quietly informed him.

Ryan saw the truth swimming in my chocolate orbs. "Was the wrestling all that bad?" he joked awkwardly, and I giggled in spite of the uncomfortable situation.

"Look, Ryan, you're a great guy, but I just need a break from dating."

"Did you tell Delko that?" he challenged and I fell silent.

"I know leading you on wasn't fair," I began and he scoffed. "I admit I really like you Ryan, and you're _really _handsome, but I don't think that I can really take all that romance and drama everyday when I walk in the lab."

"So you're just concerned about an office relationship?"

I winced. "It's a little more than that. Eric is involved, too, and I can't really deal with that every day."

"Okay," he replied, and opened his door. He walked around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. _He's such a gentleman, _I thought to myself as I got out of the car.

"Thanks for an… interesting evening," I offered and he laughed.

"Just tell Delko you enjoyed yourself," he insisted and I gently touched a soft hand to his cheek.

"It's not a competition, Ry. I like both of you- so that's all it's going to stay." My hand slowly stroked the back of his head and worked through the soft brown hair. "Thank you… for being there for me."

"It's what I do," he spoke weakly, his knees wobbling. I offered a small kiss to his lips and I heard him moan slightly.

"G'night, Ry," I whispered as I turned to walk into my house.

"Good night, Natalia," he called, opening the door to his car. As the Hummer peeled out of my driveway and slowly vanished down the street, I groaned as I realized that I had just ruined potentially the best relationship I could have asked for-because of Eric. As much as I'd like to blame it on the man that broke my heart, I knew that it was really the fault of the man that broke my arm. The rest of my life, I knew, would be affected by the monster I let call me his own.

Xxx: **Season Six, "Inside Out"**

"Well, Ry, you really did it this time," I snapped wryly as I sifted through the evidence. He wasn't even there, and yet I still was cursing at him. _Damn him, _I thought, _thinking he can just waltz in here and ruin my career. _

But I knew the real reason it stung me. I had said to Rebecca Nevins that a friend turned on me- but it was so much more. I had been desperately in love with Ryan the moment I found out that he had been fired. I'd gone to him, helped him with all that paperwork, and in returned he'd kissed me and I'd felt my knees wobble as the man I loved gave me what I wanted and so much more.

What hurt was that I knew that it was because I gave him my heart that he chose me as his victim. Ryan wanted a way back in the lab- was diminishing my abilities really the way to confirm his own? I closed my eyes and inhaled. The clacking of his footsteps alerted me that he was coming. I knew that stride- the skip, the clacking, and the monotonous tapping on his leg- that was Ryan.

"Hey, Natalia, you heading out?" he asked me and I turned to him.

"I don't know is that against protocol?" I snapped, and Ryan sighed.

"Natalia, I was just doing my job!" he cried and I turned to him.

"Well now I might not be able to keep mine," I snapped and stormed out of the room.

"Natalia, at least let me explain!"

"There's nothing you can say to change my mind, Ryan!"

"Come on, you KNOW I care about you, let me show you!"

I stopped and turned back to him with an evil glint in my eye. "You are a BASTARD!" I screamed and he looked at me, shocked. "Get out of my life," I spoke slowly and he nodded softly.

"Okay," he whispered lowly. "Whatever you want."

I watched him as he walked away, dejected. I would not admit that I loved him- in fact, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Xxx: **Season 8, post "Count Me Out"**

"You sure you're okay?"

I looked at him softly, the concern lining his hazel eyes. "Yeah, Ry, I'll be fine."

"You know, I've got this…"

"Ringing in your ears, I know, you told me."

"How about you?"

I looked at him angrily. "Stop breathing down my neck!"

He looked at me, shocked. "Well, excuse me for being concerned."

"Just… sort the evidence, please!" I insisted.

"So… you and Cardoza, eh?" he inquired, trying to make small talk.

"It's nothing exclusive," I snapped and scribbled my initials on the evidence envelope.

"I'm just asking," he responded. "He do something wrong?"

"He stood me up, if you must know," I replied, continuing my fruitless work.

"Talk to me," Ryan replied, leaning his arm over the table and turning me to look at him. My heart melted at the sight of his amber eyes laced with concern.

"Well, he told me we should go out for drinks, but then he never showed. That's really it."

"Wow." Ryan breathed slowly, and I could see the anger building up in his eyes.

"But he must have had something better to do," I insisted, fearful.

"That asshole won't know what hit him," Ryan spoke lowly and turned around, storming out of evidence lockup.

"Ryan, please don't do this, he didn't mean to!" I insisted. On any other occasion, Ryan's actions would have continued to melt my heart, but I couldn't watch him do this. "STOP IT NOW!" I roared, and Ryan turned back.

"Fine. But he'll hear from me if it happens again, you got that?"

"I got it," I whispered and giggled. "Thank you, Ry, for your concern."

"I love you," he blurted, and my eyebrows rose in confusion. "And I'm not going to let him hurt you again, alright?"

I laughed nervously. "Love you too…" I stuttered, surprised.

"I have to get back to work. You wanna talk later?"

"I'll be alright." I replied softly, and he kissed me on the cheek before leaving. _I love you, I love you, I love you…_

Xxx: **Season 9, post About Face**

Please don't give me any sentimental sympathy. I had my chance. He's the one that got away.

**A/N: Hope you liked! Just a one-shot, no continuation. REVIEWS, PLEASE!**


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